No.  Thank you.

This Swine Flu is a big deal I guess.

Allow me to take a screenshot of Google News but replace “swine flu” with funny things.

BTW - our hearts go out to the victims.

William Hogarth’s “Gin Lane” – an idyllic past free of all those nasty toxins.

Last night I attended the birthday party of a dear friend. After eating our delicious meal, we sat around sipping champagne and talking. Naturally, the conversation turned to that old, gold confabulatory standby: colonic health. One of the young ladies present was recounting her recent “detox cleanse” and recommended it to them all. Most present nodded sagely, acknowledging that this plan of action was indeed a wise one. Well, whenever I see advice (especially medical advice being given by people without medical training,) and everyone in the room accepting it without question, I get a bit worried. So I spoke up, doubting the efficacy of detoxification schemes. The response came back from all corners: modern living fills our bodies with some kind of “toxins.” Asked what these toxins exactly are and you won’t exactly get a straight answer, but they seem to have some vague connection to pollution, pesticides, and preservatives without getting too scientific about it (because there were no actual scientists in the room.)

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When my doula client asked me to make her a smoothie out of her placenta after she’d given birth, I was like, ha ha. But she was pretty determined. She said she read something about it preventing postpartum depression?

In her home cookbook binder she even had a tab marked “placenta”. It came after the soups. Her recipe included V8, shredded carrot and “enough ice to make it frothy”. What?!? But I told her I would do whatever I could to help make her birth experience, um, unforgettable.
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I’ve been super-stressed lately and trying to calm myself down. I decided to give up coffee, which I think makes me anxious. (Ha!) Some study showed that if you give up your $3.00 daily gourmet coffee beverage in a couple of years you’ll have enough money to buy a house. So I decided to buy a box of tea in hopes of suppressing my relentless urge for Champion Coffee, which is my beacon of light in otherwise dismal Greenpoint. Do I like to drink tea? Not sure. But did anyone ever think they would like chewing tobacco or sipping methadone? Right.

Hmmm. How do I make tea? I can’t remember … I think it involves boiling water, but let’s consult the back panel of the box to be sure.

A Splendid Cup of Tazo Tea: How to Make One

1. Bring some fresh, filtered water to a boil. Ok let’s take a walk into the backyard where I keep my bubbling glacier-fed spring. You assholes. I live in the most toxic neighborhood in the metropolitan area and I’ll be drinking from the tap. Thanks

2. For hot tea, place one Tazo filterbag in your cup, mug or gourd. Um hello, gourd? My brothers and sisters in the Peruvian highlands who pluck their tea leaves straight from the bush would take offense to this. If your stupid tea didn’t cost the equivalent of two adult-sized goats they still wouldn’t drink it.

3. Pour 8 oz of water over the filterbag.

4. Steep for 3 minutes while contemplating your favorite eternal mysteries. 

I am so sick of this regurgitated Eastern philosophical bullshit. Like drinking this tea will possibly make me more calm and reflective?

You know where else they serve Tazo tea, for $2.12 a cup? STARBUCKS. Starbucks “say hello to a new day and then buy yourself a gun and use it on all of us and then yourself” is CHAMPION of the Zen Industrial Complex. Have you been to a Starbucks lately? Starbucks’ clientele are the antithesis of mindful presence. The place is a public disaster area of anxious, overfed, caffeine-fixing tyrannosaurs who are unraveling right before your eyes after someone else’s soy latte comes out before theirs.

It almost feels a little apocalyptic.

There you have it. Say hello to a new day.

Trying to keep abreast of all my nursey things, I was perusing my google reader health blog subscriptions today when I found an article about how to Recession-Proof My Body. Recession-proof my body? What a great idea! I want to continue to maintain healthful goals despite the economic crisis.

However, I innocently clicked on a sidebar and ended up here. Meet my meat?

Oh god! This is NOT what I wanted to see! I am ALREADY A VEGETARIAN! It’s not my fault! I don’t even eat cheese any more! Can you please leave me the hell alone!

Alec Baldwin narrates. How did that happen? Maybe he got in trouble with PETA for his “thoughtless little pig” comment, and as punishment he was required to perform 45 minutes of community service. Anyway, heed my advice: DON’T CLICK ON THE SECOND LINK. Yikes.

But I made one for my bestie Tara, who’s leavin’ on a jet plane:

I’d like to post a formal fare-the-well to the greatest person I’ve ever:

• dressed up like a riot grrrl and sat in the women studies section of Borders with
• made a zillion props and stops around Manhattan finding photobooths with
• received a tear out sheet of looseleaf from in high school alerting me of the fact that Tim Armstrong dated a member of Bikini Kill

Grrrl, have fun in Mongolia. You will be MISSED.

Congratulations M.I.A. on having a baby with that big headed guy. Here is a video dedication to you and your strength. Make that money, girl.

I am in love with my acupuncturist, Isobeau (in a totally platonic way). As with any schoolgirl crush, my closest friends have grown tired of hearing me sing her praises. Here are some typical recent conversations …

M: I think I’m coming down with the stomach flu
Me: Oooh that sucks, but do you know what you can do besides drink green tea?
M: Huh?
Me: You can go to acupuncture! And it just so happens that there is an amazing acupuncturist that lives right in our neighborhood, her name is Isobeau and she is SLIDING SCALE which means that you can afford it, even though your job might be in jeopardy and a couple months ago you just bought a massive LCD tv for us to watch so things are tight!

E: Uh, I think I want to quit smoking.
Me: You really should, smoking is so bad for you.
E: But I love it so much
Me: I know, its really hard. But you know what might help? Acupuncture! (repeat last section of previous conversation)

C: Hi!
Me: Is there anything wrong with you?
C: Nope, feelin good.
Me: Are you sure? any aches, pains? Insomnia?
C: nope. sleeping pretty good.
Me: are you sure? Because you could always try acupuncture. I know someone.
C: Um, yeah we’ve been over this before.

So anyway, did I mention I’m obsessed? If anyone needs an acupuncturist, I know of a great one. She lives right in our neighborhood, her name is Isobeau and she is SLIDING SCALE, which means you can afford it, even if things are tight. Here’s her info.

I only want the best for you.

Love, Hello Nurse

Hi All,
I am in the process of ordering supplies for the group.
If there is anything you may want to order, please send me a note with your request and I will review and advise.
Thanks in advance,
Coworker

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Hi Coworker,
I’d like a new calendar for 2009, more manila letter-sized folders, and working pens. Though I’m unsure of the current post-it situation, my philosophy is that you can never have enough.
Thanks,
Eeez

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Hi Eeez,
Please check our stock drawers and then confirm.
Thanks,
Coworker

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I have confirmed that we desperately need post-its.

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Please note! This 4 email exchange was with the person sitting DIRECTLY across from me. It’s The Office in real life. And seriously, is there such a thing as having too many post its?