in epidose 5 we talk abt art.

time

is

a

figment.

Because you can never have too many side-projects, Keeez created us a brand stinkin’ new tumblR for our super cute and totally real band, The Nudes. Here’s episode two of our videoscapez:

Maybe you watch a little show called (*#^%)sgSD(#&%gdfsg)*gsdgsd^($%&%gsdgd&*#*(@^%)%^? Actually it’s called Hell’s Kitchen.

If you do, you’re probably aware of the amount of times the words “wellington” and “john dory” are screamed in forehead British over the course of an episode. Tonight, I took a live tally.

Annnnnd the winner is…

JOHN DORY: 14
BEEF WELLINGTON: 15

Please note, this tally refers to times said, not time ordered.

P.S. Is John Dory an eponymous fish? WTBalls is John Dory??

While perusing the aisles of WFs on my lunch break the other day, a package of gnocchi caught my eye. At $5.99 for a two serving pack (approximately 6 small dumplings or 1/3 a bowl per person), I figured it must be good idea to buy this. I decided I’d make a simple buttery tomato sauce with shallot, garlic, and crushed chili flake, and a pre-dinner crostini with fig paste, local ricotta, sea salt and olive oil. I also picked up some marinated olives for, ahem, my martini.

Anyway, the star:

Oh hai, you little pieces of shit

The gnocchi were downright inedible, prolly because they were made from today’s secret ingredient:

when you google search “paste,” you only get photos of iPhones not bein’ able to cntrl V

So disgusting. We ended up using leftover crostini bread to mop up the sauce, and just tossed the $5.99 glue-turds in the garbage.

Note to self (because I know YOU would NEVER buy pre-made gnocchi at WFs): GO BIG OR GO SPEND YOUR $5.99 ON A FALAFEL.

You may be wondering where I’ve been lately, but you’d be wrong.

In honor of digital detox 1.5 Mo.’s, I have been spending quality time:
1. Drinking whiskey in a movie theater
2. Ordering Dominos Pizzas
3. Deciding whether Guy Fieri might actually be funny, based on one joke from Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
4. Buying a Wii Fit and then using it for five days, and then stopping because now it’s all, “where you been Eeez?” FOR SHAME
And Most Importantly: 5. Helping the community by volunteerizing

why hello, crazy eyes

I plan on cooking something tonight that doesn’t include pasta bread bowls or a pizza delivery tracker, so I’ll let you know how that goes.

Despite a review in the works about how boring Dirt Candy was, you won’t see too many food posts from me in the coming weeks. Why?

I’m doing this detox-y (not really), diet-y, drop-a-few-lbs-before-vacation thing. That green thing is my lunch. Actually, it’s quite delicious. Who knew spinach, cucumber, ginger and apple made such a tasty combination. Or maybe anything tastes good when your diet is limited?

Last night I made white-person stir fry. I’m calling it that because, according to a source from JJ Inebrious, real asian cooks dont put a billion flavors into simple home meals like this. I don’t know anything about asian cooking, so I believe him. I made (and f*cked up!) brown rice, which was gloopy and stuck to the bottom of the pan (I tried to follow the graphic instructions from the side of the Goya bag). Then I chopped up a bunch of vegetables and “stir fried” them in a non-stick pan with soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, cumin, ground ginger, and chile. This part was edible, but nothing to write home about. Thank god Keeez will eat anything!

I’m going to try something a little different tonight. I think I’ll roast some carrots in the oven with curry powder, cook up some lentils, add leftover green beans, garlic, and red onion. Combining non-fat Greek yogurt and the other half of last nights seranno chile should give some zing and creaminess. I don’t know. I’m really not used to cooking like this.

Got any diet-y recipe advice? Please let it be easy with stuff I can find at the regular grocery store (not Whole Foods, TJs, etc.). I will trade you my recipe for French Fries, but not without much salivating and jealousy.

P.S. I need to get some of those weights you lift while you’re watching TV.

…are the e-mail forwards you recieve from coworkers. I get all kinds of “office humor” emails, sometimes several a day. Today something unexpected happened. Larry found my weakness for puns! Now I’m sitting at my desk chuckling and it’s quite embarrassing. Anyway, I’m passing it on to you. Apologies if you’re one of the many who don’t like Dad jokes. I happen to love them.

PUNS FOR “EDUCATED” MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Actually, it was more like two potatoes. In the form of french fries. Which I ate with malt vinegar and maybe 6 green beans and called dinner. But I also had a swig or two of Knob Creek, so maybe I’m a good little Irish lass after all?

Keeez and I had dinner at our favorite neighborhood restaurant, Farm on Adderly, a couple of weekends ago. After a lovely dinner, we wanted a little nip of something to go with our coffee. The waiter recommended this:

This Borsci stuff is AMAZO. It’s some kind of Italian liquor that tastes like caramel. I just looked it up on the Borsci homepage (where apparently you can download a Borsci background for your Windows desktop) and saw that it’s on sale for 34 degrees. I find this to be extremely affordable, for such a tasty treat.

Someone was bound to make this movie (again?) eventually:

I’m guessing it’s one of those cases where the people who spend $10 to go see it already know about the decline of Western food production. Is any means of bringing attention to a movement like this is helpful? Do you think films like this can motivate people to change a system of agriculture that provides cheap alien chickens during a recession, to people who have no jobs or idea what quinoa is? And what are your thoughts on the trendy farm-to-table phenomenon? (You probably know already how I feel about this last question: Mmmmmm).

Show your colors, people - I wanna know whether the glass is half empty or half full (and whether or not you think tap water is “dirty”).