theNUDES r wickid into social networking

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So put your daddy issues on hold and text your old man.

This time it’s about fashion.

And the word “emerate”.

The first version of steeez.com was started in the Fall of 2007. From The Vaults is a new feature consisting of old steeez.com content that was kinda decent.

I love when it’s Parent’s Day in Williamsburg, Brooklyn! Yay!

Easy way to deal:

1. Brunch as early as possible - The scrappy batch come out to eat post-noon, so to avoid Mom asking questions about why all the girls look like your Aunt Donna in the late seventies and why all the boys look like Portuguese Water Dogs, dine early.

2. Teach ‘em about subway poles - They’re just as dirty as the steering wheel of the rental car Dad drove down the BQE in. Make them fucking hold them. Nothing’s worse then some top-heavy, tucked-in Mom and Dad stumbling all over the L train as it pulls outta the Bedford Stop towards the Museum Mile.

3. You won’t get robbed, Mom - So go ahead and loosen your grip on your Coach bag. And Dad, your cellphones and pagers might get stolen so go ahead and untuck your shirt and hide your tech-holster-pants-holder.

4. I know, I know - My beard makes me look 10 years older and I should shave it… Whatever…

5. Hide the edgy wall-hangings - A gold frame around a transgendered, Sherlock Holmes-themed, gang-bang, B&W inkjet print ain’t classy. Slip a picture of your grandmother behind the glass for the duration of your parents’ visit. It won’t knock your street credit - We pwomise…

Oh yeah - Always walk one-sidewalk square ahead and make sure your girlfriend doesn’t wear that fake, faded Moody Blues t-shirt (or if she does - make sure she crams the night before.) Oh… and avoid all night life - Rent a movie instead.

India is not a place for great boozing. Historically, Hinduism doesn’t have as strong a connection to the good stuff as Judaism, Christianity, or even Sufi Islam (open Fitzgerald’s translation of the Rubbaiyat of Omar Khayyam, close your eyes, and point to a random quatrain and it’ll more than likely have to do with wine.) When the least fun man in the world ended up becoming the nation’s semi-naked hero during the struggle for independence, Gandhi’s puritan values were cherished by people who would probably have thought better of their stances were it not for the fact that the British had just left and they were all massacring each other left and right (or East and West, as the case may be.) Gandhi even went so far as to encourage some anti-alcohol language to be inserted into the constitution. But in spite of this, and in spite of the attempt to ban alcohol for a few years in the 70’s and in spite of several states being “dry,” Indians still drink. Just not that well.

(more…)

OUT & IN is an ongoing investigation into real-life and internet cultural trends that are expiring and suggestions to what can replace them.

Volume 6 will tackle: ENTERTAINMENT IN THE LATE 2000s:

Open your Photobooth app, fix your glasses, muss up your hair a bit.  Countdown: 3…2…1.. FLASH!  You are a cute blog bro!  Plop your little headshot into your cute tumblwitter page and write something meaningful yet cryptic in the “about” box:

This shit is over, boys.  Girls hate pussies.  Girls hate nerds.  Girls hate boys with glasses.  Girls hate hairless little dipshits.  Wanna know what girls want?  Some authentic caveman-revival shit.  And this trend is creeping up:

POINT 1:

I was in a band for 15-20 minutes called “CAVEMAN DUDES” and we set up a tour with GIRL TALK but had a band fight and I ruined the guitar player’s furniture.

We sounded like a mixture of distilled testosterone, engines roaring, and charcoal briquettes.  We got kicked outta facebook and myspace and tumblr for being way too fucking raw.  iTunes tried to fight us and we beat the living crap outta him.  I’m not gonna even mentioned what we did to Geocities (rest in peace, fool).

POINT 2:

This band is called CAVEMAN BAND and they’re all man.

My friend Matt’s dad is in this band and looks like an awesome dude.

I haven’t heard the music yet, but I’ll bet my balls that it sounds like a mixture of distilled testosterone, engines roaring, and charcoal briquettes.

POINT 3:

Oooga-Booga.  STFU.

NEXT THINGY:

Doing drugs the normal way stinks.  You have to excuse yourself to the bathroom or closet and pretend to being doing something that is not drugs.  Then you end up wiping your nose or rubbing your eyes or untying a rubber band from your arm when you get back to the party and it’s TOTES embarrassing to get called out on your shit.  However, doing drugs a way cooler way rules.  Cook your drugs into spaghetti and snort them at the dinner table (pictured).  THAT’S COOL.  Try body-painting with drug-infused body chocolate from Spencer’s Gifts!  THAT’S COOL.  Go get a cut-and-color from a drug addict, have him/her accidentally clip your ear with the snippers and have him/her take a “puff” of drugs and then blow it on your bleeding ear.  THAT’S COOL.  “Think outside the blogs,” bros.  There’s a whole new way to get high.

N-N-N-NEXT:

Lady Gaga is an America-hating vampire raver.  She wears wicked weird costumes and considers her entire life a photo-shoot.  I don’t get her.  I saw her in concert and she stunk.  She sang like a stoned pony and danced like a sloppy ass (tiny horse).  I would much rather see that other chick in my cool graphic above playing a bass solo.  It could be anywhere:

• BASS SOLO AT CHURCH
• BASS SOLO BETWEEN BANDS AT AN INDIE ROCK SHOW
• BASS SOLO ON YOUTUBE
• BASS SOLO ON XTUBE
• BASS SOLO ON REDTUBE
• BASS SOLO ON A FLASH DRIVE
• BASS SOLO ON A BLOGSPOT SITE
• BASS SOLO ON A VIDEO CHAT
• BASS SOLO ON THE CW, ABCFAMILY, SPIKE TV, TNT, FOOD NETWORK, OR TBS
• BASS SOLO WHILE FISHING WITH JOHN MEYER
• BASS SOLO WHILE SWIFFERING SOMETHING
• BASS SOLO WHILE CLEANING ME AND MY FRIENDS’ TEETH
• BASS SOLO WHILE MY G.F. DOES JUMPING JACKS
• BASS SOLO WHILE A UPGRADE MY RAM
• BASS SOLO WHILE I BUY A KNICK-KNACK FROM AMAZON.COM
• BASS SOLO WHILE I SLEEP
• BASS SOLO WHILE I DREAM
• DREAM SOLO WHILE I SNOOOZE

Y’know what I mean!?  That’s it.  Hope you learned something.  Here’s a coupon code to bananarepublic.com that I just made up in my head:  SEINFELDTHEMESONG.  Enter that in the “coupon codes” section.

You’re welcome.

UPDATE: John Meyer just twittered the following after hacking into our WordPress admin page and reading the draft of this post that I’m writing:

Thanks, John.

xoxo,
Keeez

in epidose 5 we talk abt art.

time

is

a

figment.