By Hello Nurse
My friend Randall Wagonwheel designed this exquisite and fascinating facebook application where you publish your own haiku!!! It can be straight-of-the-cuff (non-random), or, you can input one in and scramble it all up and create something totally new (random)! It’s fun. Here’s mine….
By Eeez
I’m doing this detox-y (not really), diet-y, drop-a-few-lbs-before-vacation thing. That green thing is my lunch. Actually, it’s quite delicious. Who knew spinach, cucumber, ginger and apple made such a tasty combination. Or maybe anything tastes good when your diet is limited?
Last night I made white-person stir fry. I’m calling it that because, according to a source from JJ Inebrious, real asian cooks dont put a billion flavors into simple home meals like this. I don’t know anything about asian cooking, so I believe him. I made (and f*cked up!) brown rice, which was gloopy and stuck to the bottom of the pan (I tried to follow the graphic instructions from the side of the Goya bag). Then I chopped up a bunch of vegetables and “stir fried” them in a non-stick pan with soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, cumin, ground ginger, and chile. This part was edible, but nothing to write home about. Thank god Keeez will eat anything!
I’m going to try something a little different tonight. I think I’ll roast some carrots in the oven with curry powder, cook up some lentils, add leftover green beans, garlic, and red onion. Combining non-fat Greek yogurt and the other half of last nights seranno chile should give some zing and creaminess. I don’t know. I’m really not used to cooking like this.
Got any diet-y recipe advice? Please let it be easy with stuff I can find at the regular grocery store (not Whole Foods, TJs, etc.). I will trade you my recipe for French Fries, but not without much salivating and jealousy.
P.S. I need to get some of those weights you lift while you’re watching TV.
By Hello NurseARG015
LOCATION : On the coast of the Rio Azul 8 km. in vehicle from El Bolson, Rio Negro
We are a community-in-the-making on 8 hectares along the Rio Azul among the Patagonian Andes. Living off the land by organic low-till manual agricultural and natural building. Composting Toilets. Seed Saving. Food preservation. Solar design. We have fruit trees and grow grains and vegetables. Work with horses, raise cows and chickens, and looking to include bees, aspiring to CSA-model. Experimenting with biodynamics. Need help all year round (except June, July) in garden, animals, building, etc. Encourage music, dance, sharing wisdom, and educating on local current affairs. Mostly vegetarian. Communal cooking. Simple and rustic living. We don’t have electricity. Please write at least one month in advance. SORRY - WE HAVE NO MORE SPACE UNTIL AUGUST 2008
Wow. That sounds like my dream come true. And it gets even better ….
ARG035
City: El Bolson
Province: Rio Negro
Type of property: Organic farm and natural building center
Size (ha): 120
Cultivos: Fruits, vegetables
We speak: Spanish, english & italian
Description: We are an organic Farm, working in natural building sistems. Olso we work with bees,natural water harbing sistems and much more.
We are building a host center with sun shower, dry toilet, public kitchen, passive natural heating sistem and acomodation for 6 persons. Out door kitchen, out door dry toilet. Place for camping.
The hostel will be finish in the begining of january 2009, so it is important to bring until it is finish your tent and sleeping bag.
Accomodation: 6 beds in the host center in a common room, camping site.
We can receive 5 volunteers
Food: We have a cooking team so the food will be organiced for us with your help when it is necessary.
Vegetarian menu, very rich.
We are: We are 3 brothers, Gabriel, Gerardo and Leonardo. Gerardo is married with Paula. They have 2 childrens, Apolo and Lao. In the summer a lot of friends comes to help and enjoy the beauty of the land. We have 4 dogs and 4 cats.
We are developing a comunitary self sustainable eco village. Targeted in natural building, natural growing, renowable energy, art development and natural conscience development.
When to come: We can start receiving volunteers from december 20/ 2008.
We can receive volunteers until May.
Additional comments: Be happy and enjoy the life
Children *we dont have a place to take care of the until now but at the time you can ask
Fruits? Bees? Brothers???? I must be having a midlife crisis.
By Natty
IAYD is a young chiptune musician from Corpus Christi, Texas. Possibly the youngest chiptune musician of note. His name stands for “I Am Your Destruction,” he looks like a shorter Joey Ramone, and his music is filled with the kind of growling ferocity one would expect from an approximately fifteen-year-old hormone filled young man. Download his EP “Dirty Electricity” here (full disclosure: I’m due to have a release on the same netlabel…) Also, be sure to download the devastating “Pistol Shrimp,” which was written with the help of New York’s own underage chiptune demons Starscream. Alex (IAYD’s civilian name,) gave one of the most energetic performances at last year’s Blip Festival, producing a quality, level, and style of sound completely original and transcending the medium of Game Boy-sound chip-generated music. Scene veteran Bit Shifter was shocked to learn that it was only his third live performance. So, how do I choose to celebrate the achievements of someone too young to drink who just received wide acclaim for his performance at South By Southwest which I didn’t actually see? By naming a cocktail after his aggressive tune “Galaxy Smasher.”
Take half an orange and smash it into a pulp. Throw it in a blender with some ice, two ounces of Campari, one ounce of sweet sherry and two ounces of grapefruit juice. Blend it up, pour it into a highball glass, top it off with club soda, stir, garnish with a black cherry, and drink it through a straw on a hot Corpus Christi afternoon.
By Hello Nurse
When my doula client asked me to make her a smoothie out of her placenta after she’d given birth, I was like, ha ha. But she was pretty determined. She said she read something about it preventing postpartum depression?
In her home cookbook binder she even had a tab marked “placenta”. It came after the soups. Her recipe included V8, shredded carrot and “enough ice to make it frothy”. What?!? But I told her I would do whatever I could to help make her birth experience, um, unforgettable.
(more…)
By KeeezOUT & IN is an ongoing investigation into real-life and internet cultural trends that are expiring and suggestions to what can replace them.
Volume V will tackle: Web2.0:
Ok. I’ve had it with the web. It’s too cute and precious. For Christsake, it’s the INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY. That sounds fresh. That’s what the internet once was. Oh? Did you just blink? WELL YOU FUCKING MISSED IT. Even on dial-up you could get your information delivered to you, no, smashed into your FACE on a virtual SUPER HIGHWAY!!! Sorry for all the yelling, but these tender, lame little websites like Tumblr and Twitter and Vimeo and Flickr are anything but super. OR an information provider (I’m not talking “tweets” or “tumbles” - I mean real information that you can write a school paper on - real super-highway-type-shit).
So I invented a term for the next generation of internet.
It’s not gonna be called “Web3.0″ or “Web2.0.2″ or anything like that. It’s a whole new world. And we’ve gotta get back to our roots, when things were fast like a highway, super like a super-computer, and as informative as a wicked big library x 1,000,000. Welcome to WebTURBO and say goodbye to these losers:
Ughh. Stop it…
Done…
Your precious stop-motion animation fan music video for Bon Iver doesn’t need to be uploaded in High-Definition. In fact, it doesn’t need to be uploaded at all.
Play hard or go home, Silicone Valley. This is like still saying to your family that your girlfriend is just a “friend” when you take her home for weddings and shit. Go all in.
And then there is this:
STOP IT.
Sorry. I guess I’m just as guilty of being a total doof for getting so passionate about what I hate on the web, but I just wanted to make all these cool graphics :)
Let’s get this party started.
Introducing WebTURBO.
It’s about getting back to the web’s roots. It’s a super highway. Buckle the hell up, grampa. I’m still going through the details, but allow me to give you a heads-up on what WebTURBO is all about:
This feature is in your e-mail program. USE IT! Want tight fonts? How’s Garamond sound to you? BOLD IT. ITALIC IT. MAKE IT FUSCHIA. MAKE A CRAB EMOTICON (V.v.V). Use these technologies, dudes. They are there for you and your productivity (turbo).
These are just sick. It looks like that text is popping off of your screen! Lemme ask you: Would you rather almost get knocked on you ass outta your desk chair by sick drop shadows or have your text look like it was dipped in a Capri Sun or propped up on a puddle (see “glossy text” and “that lame reflection thing” above). BOOM! You’re on the floor asking WTF knocked you outta your chair. Oh damn. It was that sick drop shadow on that thing I was just looking at. TURBO!
I’m guilty of having more than one blog just like the rest of you. I’m not proud of it. It just happened. But, srsly… How much do you have to share? NEWS FLASH. Google Analytics lies. And those 50 new visitors that you think you have aren’t real.
If you’re gonna blog, blog turbo. Next:
I have this theory. In 10 years when the internet supports super high-definition video standards like HD2.0 and HDTURBO there is going to be a bunch of video content creators that want that retro feel of shitty 320×240 YouTube video. There will be countless high cost plug-ins for Final Cut Pro and iMovie that make your video look like it used to “back in the day”. Bad internet video feels the same as when you finally get to listen to that Neutral Milk Hotel record after owning it for five years and never being able to play it because you didn’t have a record player. But what did you do? You went to Best Buy and got that $99 one. And then you plugged it into your iPod speaker dock and listened to “Two-Headed Boy” and you felt like your mind was getting blown all over again. The warmth of the music on vinyl. That analog depth.
That’s what bad quality video feels like with WebTURBO.
Ok. Fonts.
Anything that Garfield is down with is fine by me. Download Garfield.ttf here.
And finally:
Please click to continue.
Hmm. Maybe this isn’t the best idea for a web revolution, but it’s a start. We need a less cute internet asking what we’re doing or making us take quizzes or trying to get down our jeans. Welcome to WebTURBO. This is the logo. Feel free to put it on your
twittertumblrfacebook
myspacevimeoyoutube
deliciousflickrphotobucket
adultfriendfindergooglereader
igooglewikipediayahoo
to show your support for the cause.**
**this will actually blow up your websites. Use at your own risk (turbo).
By EeezPUNS FOR “EDUCATED” MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
By Eeez
Actually, it was more like two potatoes. In the form of french fries. Which I ate with malt vinegar and maybe 6 green beans and called dinner. But I also had a swig or two of Knob Creek, so maybe I’m a good little Irish lass after all?
By Teddy Bare“Self, now I know what all these people look like when they’re having sex. Also, I really wish I wasn’t wearing my sister’s shorts with these black socks.”
And you’d be right: you look completely ridiculous. The point being, you might look around and see all that toned muscular flesh, pumping and gyrating all willy nilly-like, and you might be tempted to get all up in that. But you can’t. Because on your best day, you’re wheezing on an elliptical machine like a total pussy, while the guy to your right is bench pressing your body weight as a warm up. (FYI: I’m not talking about myself. I have really really big muscles.)
Case and point: last week, after I was done using the elliptical, which is a great machine for those of us who have worn down our knees from years of sitting, I went to stretch. As I was doing the butterfly stretch, I looked over and noticed a lady. She may have been wearing a black tank top and tiny black shorts, but I don’t notice those kind of things because I’m not superficial. We made eye contact and then both looked away. Then began an epic game of eye dodgeball: she looked back at me, I looked away, then I looked back at her, she looked away, I looked back, she was already looking, damn, I quickly looked away, is she still looking, lemme check, damn, busted again. Pretty soon, my thoughts moved from “Hey, I think this girl is checking me out” to “Is she looking at me because I’m looking at her? Or is she looking at me because I’m wearing boxers underneath my sister’s shorts?”
I forgot the point of all this. And I don’t really have any advice as it pertains to scoring at the gym. But I do have one piece of general advice: do not blowdry your junk in the locker room. I don’t want to see your loose scrotum skin flapping like the sails on a double-masted schooner (I had to look that one up). And most of all, I really don’t want to feel the warm air splash in my face as it ricochets off your Chuck Berries.
Any questions?
By Mama Cats
Do Elephants have tonsils?
I dunno. But I don’t think it’s worth looking into.
