Meredith Viera

This is obscene! I can barely look at it without cringing, yet, I can’t seem to look away.

She has nice teeth.

Seriously, these shoes are speaking to me. Fuck wearing my heart on my sleeve(s), after I win this ebay auction, I’m gonna start wearing my monies on my feet(s).  

Tomorrow night I share oysters, champagne and conversation with a champion of the proletariat. I myself have been described as a Libertarian, a Democratic Socialist, and a NeoConservative. The truth probably lies somewhere between those three points. Either way: romance knows no politics. Haven’t we learned anything from Stendahl? Wait. Probably not the best example. Anyway, here are some things I have learned about Carla Marx in anticipation of our date:

-         She has a deceptively sweet smile (I say deceptively because we’ve all read her decidedly maturely-worded posts,) which wouldn’t look entirely out of place on a nun of either the normal (nunnis familiaris) or the pornographic (nunnis cunnis) variety.

-         She hangs out with a veritable phalanx of homosexual men which means she’s probably developed frustratingly unreal expectations vis-à-vis physique and anatomical aspect.

-         Her real last name is stunningly beautiful and in the way-off chance that we get married, the kids can totally take that one. I can’t share the name itself with you, the reader, but trust me: it looks like béarnaise sauce on a hundred-dollar bill dipped in liquid chocolate gold.

-         She likes Donna Haraway - which means she’s way smarter than me or lying when she claims to have understood such an unapologetic post-modern jargon-junkie. On the other hand, she’d probably get along great with my mom.

-         She’s very pretty, has graceful limbs, and appears to give a damn about some things, and I can’t for the life of me imagine what her voice sounds like.

-         She’s an America-hating commie. But she looks better than the great Rosa Luxembourg:

So these two rockin’ dudes from MTV…

…finally got themselves a kitteh…

…on halloween…

…that kinda looked slutty.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, FROM THE STEEEZ MAIN PAGE!

Tomorrow, while the rest of New York City is nursing their Evan Williams and malt liquor hangovers, I will be preparing for my big date with Natty, of fellow Steeez fame.

Things I know about Natty from stalking him off the internet:

-He’s v. handsome; maybe Indian? I think I saw Erin describe him once on his facebook as “racially ambigous”, like that girl from that show with the models?

-He’s an atheist! I know this because he invited me an “atheist meetup”. I’m pretty psyched about this, it’s always nice to surround oneself with people as godless as you.

-He does some kind of music that involves gameboys. A girl I know, Jenn DLV, also is involved in this, and she’s pretty cool. So that’s good I guess.

-He lives in Jersey City and has a really crappy bed. Huh.

These are the things that stand out in my mind as things I’ve learned from the internet. Soon my base of knowledge will expand so much more though!

Now I have to figure out what to wear.

My super rad friend, Josh Fadem, did this video for halloween. The video is also rad. And funny!

RADTOWN, GUYS. ALSO, SPOOKYTOWN.

What am I going to be for halloween this year? The same thing I was last year, obviously …

Blood splattered nurse!

Man, I really shouldn’t take my work home with me.

Seriously?

Well since everybody else’s blogs are blogging the bloggable shit outta this story I figured that we outta too.  Here it goes:

Secret Deodorant was the deodorant for tuff ladies in the 80s and mid 90s.  If you were a lady you could do ANYTHING that a man could do back then.  You could win lots of tennis matches.  You could reshingle a house.  You could manage a truck stop.  You could be the woman version of a figure skater.  And back then, when you came back home from a hard day at the wherever, your husband would be all, “you stink, babe.  Why don’t you use some off my spray-on deodorant.  No?  You’re gonna use your Secret?  OK, that’s cool I guess.  Come join me in the jacuzzi when you don’t stink and maybe I’ll tell you about my day.  Then maybe you can watch me do a saxophone solo in the moonlight.”

But, dudes:  Women are crazy-tweaked on the pH balance tip!  It’s a whole different ballgame!  You can’t just spray some AXE on a lady and expect her to be cool with that.  It’s like putting pigstick on a lip.

So Secret has dropped this whole “stong enough for a man; made for a woman” thing and totally sold out to the word BLING and everything it represents (rich housewives, Perez Hilton, slavery, Bendels).  Cute-culture has killed the strong stinky women of yesteryear and replaced her with a woman who is excited to dig out her cakey deodorant in hopes of finding “fake bling” which can be redemed for real bling (*shudder*), and prizes.  Prizes strong enough for him, but made for you (you go, girl).

So that’s why the bloggers are blogging their blogs off!!!  Haute Prizes!!!  Fake bling stuffed in deodorant cakes!!!  Holy shit!  You don’t win unless the underside of your acrylic tips are caked in aluminium zirconium tetrachlorohydrex gly (P.S. I dare you to lick it)!!!

One more question:

Are you on Facebook?

You are?!!

You’re in luck, missy, because:

Slutty Singer Halloween All Sluts Day Costume - Deluxe

Yeah, All Sluts Day. That’s my new name for Halloween. As Eeez noted previously (she’s very smart), anyone withOUT a Y chromosome will take this opportunity to dress up, ie. dress under, like the sluts they aspire to be. Unfortunately, sluts come in all sizes, but our advertisers know that’s not appropriate and have sent Ann here to help. So ladies and trannies, if you’re planning on showing some skin on All Sluts Day next year, please click the below image to take you on the most inspiring journey. It’s never too late to lose a few.